Episode 11 - Foreign Affairs

Editors Note : The editor's would like to farewell John Goodman and thank him for his sterling work as Kim Beazley who we are sure will fade into obscruity and become no more than a pimple on the arse of Australian politics. And also to Cathy Bates as former Immigration Minister Amanda Vanstone is thrust to the outer reaches of the Liberal Party with occassional appearances in Quentin Tarrantino movies, Adaptations of Stephen King Novels and Liberal Party fundraisers.

Scene 1

At a press conference Kevin Rudd explains his policy platform. Save the world with the magic potion of Education, The Environment, and Industry policy... and casting a spell on the electorate.

Kevin Rudd (Daniel Radcliffe) : We don't want to become Japans Bitch, China's Slurry, or the US's lap dog.

Scene 2

Latter that eveining the almost new opposition leader is entertaining the electorate at a private function at his home in Brisbane.

Kevin Rudd (Daniel Radcliffe) jumps into bed with the electorate (as played by Mr Ed)
Kevin Rudd: I'll show you my poll numbers if you show me your preferences.
Electorate: Ohhh Kevin your sooooooooooo attractive to us, but can I trust you.
Kevin Rudd: Come over here and I'll show you some policies.
Kevin lifts the satin sheet to reveal his policies to the electorate.
Electorate: After a small but poiniant silence, mmmmmmmmmm there a bit small aern't they.
Kevin Rudd: Its not the size of the policies but what you do with them that counts.
Electorate: Thats what little Jonny said and he's been screwing us for years.

Scene 3

Meanwhile over the other side of town the Defence Minister is in bed with Dick 'Duck' Chainey as played by Elmer Fudd.
Brenden Nelso (Tom Cruise) I dunno we've been at it for ages now and I'm starting to feel like pulling out.
Duck: I thought you were a top gun. Don't pull out now. Let me show you my weapon of mass deceoption again.
Brendon Nelson: Ohh thats a big one.
Duck: You don't want this to fall into the wrong hands.

Scene 4

Alexander Downer is at his weekly visit to the psychiatrist.
Psychiatrist (Dr Phil): You mentioned last time that you were were problems with your conscience over David Hicks' detention in Guantanamo Bay.
Alexander Downer (Rupert Everatt): No my conscience is clear thanks to a nice little man from the US Embassy who assured me that David Hicks is in good mental health. In fact I'm thinking of sacking you and hiring him. He's a lot cheaper and he can give a full psychological examination in under five minutes.

Scene 5

Somewhere in Chicago Barak Obama (as played by Eddie Murphy) is doing a signing for his new book, 'The Audacity of Howard' 'I expect this to be a great seller especially in Australia.'
Mark Latham (Russel Crowe) It f#$#king should be, I wrote the forward for it. Now Barak mate lets go and beat some campaign donations out of some hollywood stars.

Scene 6

Meanwhile the PM has organised a meeting with the State Premiers, industry and community lobby groups and caucaus members to determine how to provide funding for important projects for the nations future ..... in Belconnon Bingo Hall.
PM draws first numbe; 'Water saver voters waiver $10 billion, PM draws numbers infrastructure crumbling infrastrucuture $12 Billion, Marginal Electorates 69 (Group of sweaty backbenchers shout) BINGO!

Scene 7

Later that day at a press conference the PM is discussing religious endorsements. Catch the fire Ministries have kept their home fires burning for the PM, even though the Victorian Government has announced a total fireban, and the high court is pouring as much water as it can (given current water restrictions) on the blaze. As such the PM offers a message of support to them

PM (Antony Hopkins) : Unlike other groups we might mention, The Catch The Fire Ministries are a bastian of proud Australian values. Catch the Fire represent the good that Christianity does in modern Western societies, and I'm sure you'll all join with me in a prayer that we will have a swift victory in Iraq, and set up a thriving Market economy (that will one day rival Argentina) in no time.

editors note : we thought of casting someone as Kevin Andrews for a comment on his new role, but were unable to find any actors boring enough to pull of the role.