Welcome To Crazy Johns

Scene 1

Liberal party Poll crisis meeting

Peter Costello (Alan Rickman) : PM the polls are starting to slip, what are we going to do to ensure my Prime Mistership… whoops I mean our parties future?

PM (Antony Hopkins) : I just don’t understand why my Aussie battlers are turning against us, we need to remind them of how safe Australia is now from the terrorist threat.

Philip Ruddock (Christopher Walken): Yes PM, we are all so much safer now that we have the fridge magnets and a dob in a Muslim hotline, and if people still don’t feel safe, then we’ve even got a special task force of people from Cronulla who can help them out.

Brendon Nelson (Tom Cruise) : Yeah, and we’ve just spent $10 Billion to recruit new soldiers so we can feel even safer, But it just doesn’t seem to be sinking in to the general public

Amanda Vandstone (Kathy Bates) : Maybe we should bring back conscription… that’ll help us teach the new refugees Australian values.

PM : All great ideas guys, but they need to be properly funded in an appropriate manner that reflects the needs of the Australian populous

Peter Costello : What you mean have a F&^king great surplus left over at the end so we can pork barrel the public one more time?

PM : Exactly, so lets do it…. Lets have a fire sale...

PM takes off suit and tie and puts on a sequened jacket and bowler hat and start spinning a candy cane

VOICE OVER (Helen Coonan) : Ladies and Gentlemen, step right up, it’s your last chance to invest in two of Australias greatest institutions, it’s crazy Johns Stock Clearance Sale. The liquidators are moving in and everything MUST go (including Sol Trojullio). We’ve got Telstra shares, Medibank Private shares, PPP’s, the reserve bank you name we’ve got it, and it’s GOT TO GO. We’ll also throw in a free set stake knives… oh and Peter Costello, and if you call in the next 15 minutes, we’ll also throw in Alexander’s Ragtime band. You’ll never see bogans... I mean bargains like this again… shares just walking out the door, bring your truck, bring your trailer, and every 100^th buyer gets a free guest worker thrown in* . This is a history making sale** and will never be repeated again***.

* must be employed under exploitation visa 547

** At least according to the Keith Winshuttle’s black and white version of history

*** Because there’ll be nothing left to sell.

Scene 2

The Labor party is once again complaining about the terrible injustice of it all.

Interviewer : So how do you respond to the latest prediction that interest rates will rise again

The Glimmer Twins: Wayne Swan and Stephen Smith (In chorus): John Howard is guilty of electoral fraud!!! He lied to Australian public at the last election about maintaining lower interest rates.

Interviewer: But weren’t interest rates higher under Labor

Glimmer Twins: Yes but people were too poor to buy houses so it didn’t matter. The difference is now they’re too poor to pay their mort gauges. It's just another way that the Liberal Party keeps the workers down. If the Labor Party was back in power all the workers would not be deluded into thinking that they could afford to buy a house and overstretching their budget and going into massive debt. Anyway it would provide more property for investors, and we'd be protecting the environment by not having to free up land for urban development.

Scene 3

Outside Parliament House Canberra the enigmatic leader of the Greens, Bob Brown is contemplating the impact of the changes to parliamentary superannuation.

Bob Brown: (Kevin Costner): Well if you pay peanuts you’ll get gorillas.

Flash to Kim Beazley and Wilson Tuckey's showdown outside parliament.

Kim Beazley : You worthless weak pointless individual go off and take your pills….

Wilson Tuckey (Bill Murray) : Your pathetic, I have every right to stand here and say my piece.

Bob Brown: Back in the present, switches on music from the Goodies ‘Do the funky gibbon’ : I rest my case.

Latham : ‘Jesus I’d be happy on 9%’ these days. Royalties from the book are not flowing as well as I thought they would. At this point I will be forced to host a game show, Move over Bert Newton I’m coming through. (Jumps off stage making monkey noises and jumping up and down.)