Episode 2 – The very lucky Country

Shane Warne makes his debut appearance as James Packer (although the mobile phone you see in the following scenes is only a prop… we hope)

Scene 1: Friday afternoon drinkies in the PM’s office after a particularly successful week of ALP self destruction. The PM is planning a BBQ at Kirribilli House for the Queen and Prince Phillip as they are out here for the Commonwealth Games.

PM (Anthony Hopkins): (speaking to the party room). Yeah its gonna be a
great party. I've formed a special slave… sorry… catering workforce for the event. It’s
made up of asylum seekers, young unemployed people, working poor, single mothers, childcare workers, disabled, Aboriginal Australians and out of work academics Oh, and I've got some homeless people doing the gardening and clearning out the septic tank. It’s gonna be great, and it’ll improve our unemployment figures.
Peter Costello (Alan Rickman): I'm looking forward to it immensely Prime
Minister. For an encore I think you should get Alex to jump out of a cake in
his fishnets and a G string.
Alexander Downer (Rupert Everatt): I'll do whatever it takes Prime Minister
PM: Yes um maybe a sing a long round the piano after dinner would be better.
Amanda Vanstone (Cathy Bates): Oh Yes Prime Minister that sound like a great idea! We could sing some musical numbers such as 'Just a spoon full of sugar helps the
medicine go down' or 'If I ruled the world, but I don't know if we should sing "God Save The Queen", it doesn't seem very popular with the electorate at the moment.
PM: Maybe we could disguise it as Happy Birthday.
Peter Costello: I prefer the Sex Pistols version myself.
PM: Yeah…. Thanks Pete, I think it’d also be good to have Top Gun Brendon Nelson in his new role as Defence Minister perform a flyover. I think the RAAF could lend him a couple of FA18’s if they are still working. I’m sure we can borrow the “Danger Zone” song from Donald Rumsfeld.

Scene 2: At the Commonwealth Games there have been a few new events added for the overactive Labor Party to take their mind of the political in-fighting.

Julia Gillard (Judy Davis): umpiring the political mud wrestling Now Kim and Simon, I want a good dirty fight, heaps of branch stacking and plenty of press leaks.
Simon Crean (Bob Hoskins): doesn’t wait for bell, goes straight for Kim Beazley with a stack of local member ballots Take that you ineffectual leader.
Kim Beazley (John Goodman): Falling flat on his back under the weight, and calls for help from his water boy Senator Steven Conroy. Steve, help me find his week spot.
Simon Crean: Screaming Unless I get Conroy’s head on a plate, I’m gonna hit you with this copy of Hansard!
Kim Beazley: Alright, I give in, just stop starring at my Navel.
Julia Gillard: Holding Simon Crean’s hand up in victory. I declare Simon Crean…
Mark Latham (Russel Crowe): Jumps into the ring. Not so fast! Knocks Simon Crean and Julia Gillard over. I am the winner here! Holds up copy of the Latham diaries.

Commonwealth Games Announcer: For the next event, selected members of the ALP Victorian branch will be fed to the lions.

Urgent Press Release:
After the success of the "Where the bloody hell a you" tourist campaign, the Federal Minister for Tourism, Joe Hockey has decided to extend the marketing campaign to other portfolios. The following press release outlines the new campaign phrases for policies of second decade of the Howard regime.

Environment: Why the bloody hell do we care?
Drugs: Why do that S*#t?
Terrorism: Where the F*#k are they?
Transport: Why the F*#k is my train late?
Employment: Why are there so many bloody dole bludgers?
Defence: Why is this submarine so f*#king loud.
Education: Why you so bloody dumb!
Workplace relations: I'm the bloody boss mate!
Health: You should be bare foot and bloody pregnant love.
Immigration: Learn our f*#king values or piss off back to your own bloody country.


Scene 3: Gough Whitlam is at the launch of his new book The Truth According to Gough
(otherwise known as Lies, Dam Lies and True Believers)
Journalist : So Mr Whitlam, what do you think of the latest Labor Party infighting
Gough (himself): Well, all will be revealed when the Crean diaries hit shelves early next year. They will be followed by the Gillard Tapes and the Kevin Rudd Christmas album. But the truth won’t really surface until Kim starts his Blog site called A Man of Conviction.

Scene 4: The PMs big bash for Lizzie and the Duke at Kirribilli House.

Bob Brown (Kevin Costner): Gate crashing the party with a piece of chocolate cake in his hands. PM I really wanted you to have this piece of chocolate cake from my 10 years in parliament celebration party we had the other night, it’s made from organic wheat and I can guarantee you that the AWB has not offered me any bribes.
PM: Talking to his security entourage Get that hippy, lunnie, queen out of here before her majesty gets here.

Just then the Governor General’s Rolls Royce arrives with the Queen in the back seat. Bob Brown chains himself to the front fender preventing it from moving.

PM: That’s OK driver, just run the bastard over.

Car moves forward and Bob Brown jumps up onto the bonnet where he clutches onto the Rolls Royce emblem for dear life.

Later That evening the Queen gives her speech

Queen (Prof. David Flint): We are so proud of the Australian Colony (*Cough*) I mean nation, with its beautiful flora and forna, and its sprawling cities. It’s quite amazing bunch of convicts and commoners could have achieved so much in a little over 200 years. We hope that with a little more refinement, you will eventually become one of the greatest nations in the empire… sorry Commonwealth.
Peter Costello: whispering to Danna Vale. Yeah if we could only teach these bloody wogs some Aussie values, I reckon send ‘em along to Hillsong, or otherwise, leave them with our friends at Cronulla. They’ll teach ‘em our values pretty quick.
James Packer (Shane Warne): Hey Pete what’s the Queens phone number?
Peter Costello: What you mean Alex Downer?