Australian Values and Virtues?

 

Scene 1

Tony Burke (Andrew Gaze) : Kim, what are we going to do, the Liberals are trying to play the race card again with their Australian Values for citizens drive
Kim Beazley (John Goodman) : Yeah, don't tell me about it, I remember the last time they played that card, they absolutely trounced us.
Tony Burke : Maybe the bleeding heart, latte leftie, hippie approach of traditional multi-cultralism that the Labor party is famous for just doesn't wash with the electorate any more
Kim Beazley : I think you're right, I'm not going to be beaten again on race issues, and as the old saying goes, if you can't beat them, join them.... and play their game even better.
Tony Burke : So what are you going to do?
Kim Beazley : Lets go even further, They want to insist on Australian Values for new citizens, but what about all those pescie tourists that come to our glorious country, they should have to sign up to Australian Value, learn to speak English, and go to at least 2 AFL matches while they're visiting
Tony Burke : Yeah, and we can change the tourism slogan from "Where the bloody hell are you?" to "Who's bloody shout is it?", and we can get Hawkie to do the Adds
Kim Beazley : now you're on the right track.
Tony Burke : And they have to agree not to throw their children over board while on the Manly ferry, and they have to barrak for Australia in the soccer even though most Australians don't even really understand the game and are only interested when we win.
Kim Beazley : And must be willing to drive a V8, know the difference between a holden and a Ford, wrestle a crocodile and cook a decent Aussie BBQ
Tony Burke : Also a questoin about how to recognise your mates.

Mark Latham Appears from behind an ALP apparatchik

Mark Latham (Russel Crowe) : They're the ones sticking the knives into your back.
Kim Beazley : No Tony, we don't necessarily need them to know ALP policy inside out.

 

Scene 2

  

PM (Antony Hopkins) : I've called this special cabinet meeting to discuss what questions we need in our Australian Values/ Australian History / English Language Tests, it's important that we catch out potential un-Australian behaviour, and capitalize upon it for our polling .... sorry I mean protect the Australian people from the evil intentions of Muslims, whoops I mean extremists.

Here's a few questions I prepared earlier, take a quick look and add some ideas.

PM Passes around a hastily scribbled note with the following

Q1. How many indigenous children were forcedly removed from their parents between 1920 and 1965

a. 0
b. none
c. none that can be legally proved
d. All of the above
e. 235

(acceptable answers: any of the above except e)

Q2. Who is Australias best ever, and second longest serving Prime Minister?
(Note: If the candidate gets this question wrong, it's automatic deportation, do not pass go, do not even pick up your 547 visa)

Q3. If your at a bar with 3 mates, how many chardonay's would you buy if it was your shout?
a. 0
b. 2
c. 4
d. 1
(this is a trick question, the correct answer is a. 0, any real Aussie knows that you'd buy 4 VBs)

Q4. What are good topics for discussion at an Aussie Barbeque
a) Aussie Rules
b) Rugby League
c) Lleyton Hewitt
d) Shane Warne
e) all of the above
f) the latest performance by the Sydney Theatre Company.

(Acceptable Answers: any except f)

 

Q5. In what century was Australia discovered?

(Answer 18th Centry)

 

Q6. Which of the following is Un-Australian behaviour (Tick all that apply)
a) Planning a terrorist attck
b) Sponsoring a terrorist organisation
c) burning the Australian Flag
d) Not watching the Ashes
e) Critisizing th Australian government
f) Not crying during Steve Erwins memorial service

(Answers : All should be checked although given Australias defeat in the last ashes series English immigrants will not be marked wrong if they don't tick d)

 

Q7. What is the Australian Dream
a) To be a home owner
b) To be a Dole Bluger
c) To be a Sports Start
d) To be a multi-million dollar media mogul and head off overseas to avoid Australian Tax laws

(Acceptable Answers : anyting except b)

Language test

 

Q1. can they say maaaaaate, footy, booze

 

Q2. do they know the difference between a sheila and a sheerer?

 

Q3. What could you use the saying "She'll be right Mate?" in association with
a) The environment.
b) driving whilst under the influence of alcohol.
c) Kim Beazleys leadership.
d) Education

(Correct Answers : Anything except c)

 

Q4. What does the term "Aussie Diggers" refer to?
a) A Mining equipment company
b) The work for the dole program
c) Australias courageous war veterans from our many gutsy campaigns.
d) A Sheila that marries a rich Aussie bloke for the money (See Rose Hancock).

(Answer c)

 

Philip Ruddock (Christopher Walken) : That all looks pretty easy PM, we should really try and make it a bit more challenging, we could combine the values and language tests by insisting that they
sing BOTH versus of the Australian National Anthem.
Peter Costello (Alan Rickman) : There's two versus?
Brendan Nelson : Yeah but they have to sing it out of tune as if they were at the AFL.
Alexander Downer (Rupert Everett) : How bout extra bonus points if they've seen "The Boy From Oz" and can sing at least two songs from it.