The new sitcom that tells the true story of the fall and fall of Mark Latham. The man who went from Mayor of Liverpool Council to Campbelltown house husband.

Monday, July 31, 2006

Episode 5 - Sex, lies and policy platforms

Scene 1:

The leader of the Opposition, Kim Beazley, is addressing a bewildered caucus who are frantically searching through dictionaries, attempting to look up the word “policy”.

Kim Beazley (John Goodman): Now we’ve got our Industrial relations policy, our education policy and the new “glow in the dark uranium mines policy”.
Bob Hawke (himself) Appears from underneath the table: No child shall live without an enriched uranium sandpit.
Kim Beazley: Yes…. Thanks Hawkie, now where was I. So we have 3 policies, I reckon if we get one or two more, we could call it a “Policy Platform”.

Caucus lets out a horrified gasp, and several members faint…. After union officials administer CPR to the fallen comrades, and beer and hot chips to the stunned shadow ministers, the debate continues.

Peter Garret (Patrick Stewart): Gee Kim, I thought the whole point of opposition was to develop a platform and boldly go where the government dare not venture and to reclaim the Forgotten Years, and to create a New Dream World for Australia.
Steven Smith (Keith Richards) whispers to Wayne Swan : I thought Dream World was on the Gold Coast.
Wayne Swan (Mick Jagger): Yeah, you can tell he’s new blood, give ‘im 6 months and he’ll be back stabbing and hanging out for his parliamentary pension just like the rest of us.

Suddenly a blinding light appears down the hallway
Gough enters pushed in a wheelchair by Paul Keating, with all 90 candles on his birthday cake ablaze.

Gough Whitlam (the Rt Hon himself): Maintain the rage Comrades! We had policy platforms
back in my day, and it won’t hurt you to have them again now.
Paul Keating (Raiph Fienness): This lot couldn’t maintain the parliamentary toilets let alone a policy platform. I’ve seen more imagination out of a pack of Big Brother contestants.

Scene 2:

Peter Costello (Alan Rickman) Surrounded by dirty nappies, and sleep deprived young mothers: I’d like to thank you all for supporting my “Populate or Perish in Poverty” policy, I think you’ll agree that there are wonderful benefits for us as a nation.
Stressed out mother: What benefits, with these three bloody kids, I’ve had no sleep, I’m cash strapped, from the childcare bills, and because of the new IR laws, I don’t even get to see the damn kids anyway, because I’m a single mother who has to provide for them.
Peter Costello : Well, we don’t really count single mothers in our statistics, I mean if we did we started counting all of the unusual parenting arrangements, we might even have to include children of same sex couples. But I think we can all agree on the real benefit of this policy.
Multiple stressed out mothers: What benefit?
Peter Costello: With the upcoming election, we’ll have plenty of babies to kiss for our PR engagements, and you never know, by the time they’re teenagers, I might actually be Prime Minister.

Scene 3:

John Howard in his office trying out new ‘truth detector’ on prospective replacements for Peter Costello should he accept the PM’s very generous offer of the position of Australian Ambassador to Lebanon.
John Howard (Anthony Hopkins): Now Alexander I tried out this contraption on myself this morning and it proves that I can adopt a flexible posture when discussing the development of government policy in the appropriate context taking into account the present climate for variability, so we know it works.
Alexander Downer: (Rupert Everatt) (gushing) Oh yes Prime Minister, if I get to be Treasurer I will reach out to the nation. I can see it now “Alexander and his Ragtime Band” touring the nation selling the Government’s policies. It will certainly make budget night a lot more fun.
John Howard: Next candidate.
Suddenly the Top Gun theme is playing loudly. Enter Defence Minister Brendon Nelson, who is connected to the machine by the PM.
Brendon Nelson (Tom Cruise): Prime Minister I have selflessly committed myself to the defence of this proud nation and in the event of a conflict I will lead our troops into battle.
John Howard: Jesus the machines gone off the scale. Not bad but I want to see the next candidate just to be sure.
Enter special guest star Roger Ramjet as Parliamentary Secretary for Water and all things dashing, the one and only Malcolm Turnbull. Sounds of Roger Ramjet theme tune in the background.
Malcolm Turnbull: Hey Jonny, just let me take a proton pill which gives me the power of 20 uranium fired powered stations for the period of 20 seconds, before you hook me up.
He pops the Proton Pill and 20 seconds later the machine explodes emitting radioactive waste.
John Howard: Dam I’ll have to resort to Plan B. Bring in the final candidate.
Mark Latham walks in the door.
Mark Latham: (Russell Crowe) Hi Jonny. I’m so excited about this gig. The Latham Diaries are not selling that well even though it’s just gone to paperback and their releasing the spoke word CD and the mime DVD soon as well. Both come with language warnings.
John Howard: Heaven help us and please put down that phone.

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