Episode 1 - New Years Revelations

Episode 1 with special guest appearances from Heath Ledger and Reece Witherspoon

Scene 1: National Party HQ in Canberra
Following Julian McGuaran’s departure, the National Party have decided on a new fund raising venture…

Mark Vaile (Heath Ledger) : How are the sales of Chocolate Barnaby’s going Bosy?
Ron Boswell (Bill Hunter) : Yeah sales have been going well, especially to the Australian weighi board… sorry wheat board, how do you like our new catch phrase…. “watch Barnaby melt in your mouth… Like he does in front of the Senate”… at least we’re not as sad as the ALP, they were trying to offload their excess stock of Latham nut bars on an unsuspecting caucus.

Scene 2: Mark Latham’s humble battlers mansion in Campbelltown

Mark Latham (Russel Crowe) Lying in Y fronts under the air conditioner on a hot summers day thinking about his career choices for 2006 (holding aloft something resembling Kim Beezleys head, Hamlet style) : Hey Darl… waddaya think I should do this year luv? I’m tossing up between Shock jock, Camera repair man, Bouncer at the penrith leagues club, Host of playschool or Saddam’s Body guard.

Janine Latham (Reece Witherspoon) : Dunno luv, maybe you could take that kind offer from that nice man who’s always on the tele, who said he’d love to have you as his campaign manager… who was it again…. That’s right John Howard

Mark Latham : No darl, I already did him some pretty big favours at the last election. Besides I really need a job that can work in around the anger management classes with Jeff Fenick that the therapist insists I take.

Scene 3: First Cabinet meeting for the new year, Following the revelations at the Cole Inquiry into the AWB, the PM has placed his ministers on a gluten free diet until further notice.
He has also increased Amanda Vanstone’s responsibilities
PM (Antony Hopkins) : Mandy Sorry I took the Blacks off ya, but I’ve got some good news. In light of your recent achievements with locking up loonies, I’m pleased to announce that I am appointing you Special Minister for Mental Health or Minster for the Asylum.
Round of Applause from Cabinet Collegues.
PM : The agenda for this year is to spend as much tax payers money as possible convincing them that we are not wasting money on unnecessary advertising campaigns. We may also throw in a tax cut or two for good measure. At least that will shut Turnbill up.
Peter Costello (Alan Rickman) : He’s going to be too busy playing Roger Ramjet with Australia’s water policy to be bothered about that anymore.
PM : We will also be engaging in some serious truth telling about Australia’s history. I’ve got some nice chaps from Cronulla out the back writing the official version as we speak.
Peter Costello : For those few remaining National Party Ministers in Cabinet, I’ll discreetly place Liberal Party membership forms in my office next to jar of chocolate Barnaby’s.


Scene 4: Peter Costello is in his office waiting for National Party members to show up, choking on a Chocolate Barnaby.
Peter Costello : (*cough*, splatters out a bit of Chocolate Barnaby) Now this advertising campaign reassuring taxpayers that we are not wasting their money on pointless advertising. I think we’ll get the GG, Sir Michael Geoffrey to do this campaign for us, seeing as he’s spent more money fixing his Rolls Royce than the government has spent on child care in the last 3 years, The only thing is getting the right catch phrase, how about “if we don't tell you how good a job we're doing.... how will you ever know". Or to make it more punchy “Be Ignorant and Unfazed” or as the PM would put it “Be Relaxed and Comfortable”. Great, I can see the fridge magnets and show bags now.
Adivisor enters from off Camera : Mr Treasurer There’s a call from the Reserve Bank
Peter Costello :Shit not another one…. At this rate I’ll wind up at Foreign Minister.
Alex Downer (Rupert Everatt) from off stage: Does that mean I finally get my hands on the treasury portfolio?

Scene 5:
Bob Hawke (Himself) Giving speech at Climate Change Convention :No child shall live without uranium before the year 2010. (thanks to Bill Leak)


Scene 6: Labor Shadow Cabinet meeting:
Kevin Rudd (Daniel Radcliffe): We should smite the evil Lord Voldemort sorry John Howard and his evil death eaters sorry Cabinet Colleagues.
Kim Beazley (John Goodman): Gosh I’ve had a policy idea
Shadow Cabinet bursts out laughing
Julia Gillard (Judy Davis): Great joke Kim, tell us another one.

Scene 7: Gough Whitlam (Himself) with a can of Kerosene outside the National Archives.

Stay tuned for the next exciting installment of Everybody Hates Latham when you’ll hear Mark say… Darl, I think, I’ve decided on my next career move, I wanna Ease the Squeeze’ for the average joe by doing ads for Jenny Craig and ya never know, I may get to meet Kirsty Alley.