The new sitcom that tells the true story of the fall and fall of Mark Latham. The man who went from Mayor of Liverpool Council to Campbelltown house husband.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Episode 11 - Foreign Affairs

Editors Note : The editor's would like to farewell John Goodman and thank him for his sterling work as Kim Beazley who we are sure will fade into obscruity and become no more than a pimple on the arse of Australian politics. And also to Cathy Bates as former Immigration Minister Amanda Vanstone is thrust to the outer reaches of the Liberal Party with occassional appearances in Quentin Tarrantino movies, Adaptations of Stephen King Novels and Liberal Party fundraisers.

Scene 1

At a press conference Kevin Rudd explains his policy platform. Save the world with the magic potion of Education, The Environment, and Industry policy... and casting a spell on the electorate.

Kevin Rudd (Daniel Radcliffe) : We don't want to become Japans Bitch, China's Slurry, or the US's lap dog.

Scene 2

Latter that eveining the almost new opposition leader is entertaining the electorate at a private function at his home in Brisbane.

Kevin Rudd (Daniel Radcliffe) jumps into bed with the electorate (as played by Mr Ed)
Kevin Rudd: I'll show you my poll numbers if you show me your preferences.
Electorate: Ohhh Kevin your sooooooooooo attractive to us, but can I trust you.
Kevin Rudd: Come over here and I'll show you some policies.
Kevin lifts the satin sheet to reveal his policies to the electorate.
Electorate: After a small but poiniant silence, mmmmmmmmmm there a bit small aern't they.
Kevin Rudd: Its not the size of the policies but what you do with them that counts.
Electorate: Thats what little Jonny said and he's been screwing us for years.

Scene 3

Meanwhile over the other side of town the Defence Minister is in bed with Dick 'Duck' Chainey as played by Elmer Fudd.
Brenden Nelso (Tom Cruise) I dunno we've been at it for ages now and I'm starting to feel like pulling out.
Duck: I thought you were a top gun. Don't pull out now. Let me show you my weapon of mass deceoption again.
Brendon Nelson: Ohh thats a big one.
Duck: You don't want this to fall into the wrong hands.

Scene 4

Alexander Downer is at his weekly visit to the psychiatrist.
Psychiatrist (Dr Phil): You mentioned last time that you were were problems with your conscience over David Hicks' detention in Guantanamo Bay.
Alexander Downer (Rupert Everatt): No my conscience is clear thanks to a nice little man from the US Embassy who assured me that David Hicks is in good mental health. In fact I'm thinking of sacking you and hiring him. He's a lot cheaper and he can give a full psychological examination in under five minutes.

Scene 5

Somewhere in Chicago Barak Obama (as played by Eddie Murphy) is doing a signing for his new book, 'The Audacity of Howard' 'I expect this to be a great seller especially in Australia.'
Mark Latham (Russel Crowe) It f#$#king should be, I wrote the forward for it. Now Barak mate lets go and beat some campaign donations out of some hollywood stars.

Scene 6

Meanwhile the PM has organised a meeting with the State Premiers, industry and community lobby groups and caucaus members to determine how to provide funding for important projects for the nations future ..... in Belconnon Bingo Hall.
PM draws first numbe; 'Water saver voters waiver $10 billion, PM draws numbers infrastructure crumbling infrastrucuture $12 Billion, Marginal Electorates 69 (Group of sweaty backbenchers shout) BINGO!

Scene 7

Later that day at a press conference the PM is discussing religious endorsements. Catch the fire Ministries have kept their home fires burning for the PM, even though the Victorian Government has announced a total fireban, and the high court is pouring as much water as it can (given current water restrictions) on the blaze. As such the PM offers a message of support to them

PM (Antony Hopkins) : Unlike other groups we might mention, The Catch The Fire Ministries are a bastian of proud Australian values. Catch the Fire represent the good that Christianity does in modern Western societies, and I'm sure you'll all join with me in a prayer that we will have a swift victory in Iraq, and set up a thriving Market economy (that will one day rival Argentina) in no time.

editors note : we thought of casting someone as Kevin Andrews for a comment on his new role, but were unable to find any actors boring enough to pull of the role.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Episode 10 - The New Year Gig Guide

As parliament is in recess over the Christmas, New Year period, the Movers and Shakers of Australian Federal politics are on a well deserved break... or are they. Some of our illustrious leaders are hard at work trying to spread the cheer and good will in their own unique ways.

We bring you the New Year Gig Guide.

Alexander Downer and the "backbenchers" go on a tour of Fiji with their new show, a tribute to Mahatma Ghandi, "The passive resistance chorus line". If it's successful in Fiji, they plan to take it to China, Russia and Iraq later next year, and the PM has suggested a special one off show at Guantanamo Bay.

The Labour Party Policy Pantomime is a must see, this is where each member of the Shadow Cabinet gets to act out a policy for the next election. Although Peter Garretts forestry policy "Where have all the Gum Trees Gone" lacks the soul and conviction of some of his earlier work, the night is rescued by Julia Gillards stunning rendition of "Working Class Nation" as a response to the Howard IR reforms.

Comming to a town near you, the Gillard-Rudd Talk and Listen tour otherwise known as "Punch and Julia".

Pauline Hanson back by unpopular demand is hosting a special rendition of the "Black and White minsteral show"... special because it employs white people exclusively. The show will tour extensively, altough sources close to Ms Hanson have suggested that in light of recent events, they are thinking of cancelling the scheduled Palm Island and Lakemba shows, she will however be making a special appearance at "the Big Day Out" draped in the Australian flag.

Peter Costello is doing an album launch where he sings some of his all time favourites like "When I'm 64", "As Time Goes By", and "The Fool on the Hill", with a special guest appearance from Shanon Noel as they do a duet to "What about Me".

Mark Latham will be touring with an adapted stage rendition of A Christmas Carol where he discovers the error of his ways and goes about the streets giving all the needy and marginalised people free copies of his latest book. This has a special guest appearance from Gough Whitlam as the Ghost of Christmas past, and Kevin Rudd as the Ghost of Christmas future.

Saturday, December 02, 2006

Episode 9 - The Silly Season

Scene 1
Molly Meldrum speaking at the launch of Peter Garrett's new solo album. 'The True Believers'

Molly Meldrum (As himself as always) : Peter Garrett fresh from his sell out tour of the Victorian State Election has reasleased a fantastic new album just in time for Christmas. Peter Garrett has reworked some of the old Midnight Oils tracks to suit his new political expidiency role in the Labor Party. Here's a clip from the album

Peter Garrett singing with backing choir of faceless apprarachiks outside Parliament House in Canberra.

'Caucaus forces give the nod,
Its the set back for your party,
Preferences all in rows,
The Greens are voting Liberal.
Divided world the split ticket,
Vote Labor true believers.'

Back to Molly in the studio. Fantastic and there's other great tracks on the album including:

Votes are burning"
"Green Vote Mine"
"Back on the party line"
"Forgotten Years"
"King of the Caucas"
"Green skin black heart"
"Shakers and Movers"
"Power and the Politics"
"When the Whips Talk"
"Sold my Soul"
"Put Down that Split Ticket"

and a re-working of truganini that comes out sounding like "Machiavelli"

So spend up big kiddies, and remember that all proceeds from the sale of this album goes to Peter's campaign fund for Marginal Labor seats under threat from the Greens, so a really worthwhile cause.

Scene 2

As the christmas season draws near, and the season of goodwill is upon us, the ALP settles in for its annual leadership crisis which traditionally heralds the start of the silly season. In seperate rooms at pariament house, the battle for leader of the runners up at the last election starts in earnest as both camps consult their respective PR consultants and prepare for the battle ahead.

Kim Beazley is locked in stratergy Negotiations with Martin McCabe (of Prentiss McCabe) while Kevin Rudd and Julia Gillard are locked in an intense makeover session with Charles Prentiss (of Prentiss McCabe).

In Kim Beazley's office (otherwise known as "The Bunker"), Kim appears wearing helmet with a General's star, surronded by his henchmen the Glimmer twins (wayne Swan and Steven Smith) dressed in flack

Martin McCabe (Special Guest star John Bird) : I think we should go with the "experience" angle.
Kim Beazley (John Goodman) : Yes, I'm a real campaign veteran.
Marin McCabe : yes... well, let's not focus on the veteran angle too much.

Meanwhile in the Rudd - Gillard camp

Kevin Rudd (Daniel Radcliffe) : I'm betting Kim will try the experience tack.
Charles Prentiss (Special guest star Steven Fry): Almost certainly, I would if I was representing him, but we can counter that by saying that the only thing he's experienced at is losing elections.
Julia Gillard (Judy Davis) : Brilliant (chuckles).
Charles Prentiss : and we can counter that by highlighting our new ideas and fresh approach.

Meanwhile back in the Beazley camp

Martin McCabe : Now they'll almost certainly mention their new ideas and fresh approach to counterpoint your experience
Kim Beazley : But I have new ideas, and surely you can help me build a fresh approach.
Martin McCabe : I'm a PR cinsultant, not a miracle worker..., no we'll simply counter that by saying that Mark Latham had new ideas and a fresh approach that cost us the last election.
Kim Beazley : Good point, what can we do about the factions.
Martin McCabe : We need to keep them busy worrying about their own jobs
Kim Beazley : I know, how about a frontbench reshuffle?
Martin McCabe : Problem is the phrase "reshuffle" doesn't really strike fear into their hearts, it's just like a glorified game of musical chairs,
Kim Beazley : I've got it, how about a blood letting.
Martin McCabe : hmmm, potentially could be constrewed as disunity this close to an election, how about a frontbench spill? Kind of like a new broom sweeping through the party room, it'll re-invigorate your leadership.

Back in the Rudd - Gillard camp

Charles Prentiss : Now Beazley will probably try to detract attention from his innefectual leadership by announcing a frontbench reschuffle or something like that, we need to try and keep people focused on the fact that Kim's a loser, and that the best chance of winning the next election is with the 'dream team' at the helm.
Kevin Rudd : A reschuffle you say... I wonder if my frontbench position will be safe?
Charles Prentiss : Kevin, stay focused won't you?
Julia Gillard : Maybe if we get in first with a leadership challenge, he'll forget about a reshuffle.
Charles Prentiss : Not likely, but if you get in first, at least it will make it look like he's calling it because of the threat rather than to reinvigorate the party.
Kevin Rudd : I guess I should be talking up the work I've been doing with the AWB inquiry.
Charles Prentiss : No Kevin, the public haven't been interested in that for about 6 months now, and none of them understand it anyway, and frankly everyones sick of you sounding like a brocken record. Better talk about up your new ideas.
Kevin Rudd : But I haven't got any.
Charles Prentiss : Yes we all know that, but the public need to believe that you are thinking about having new ideas.

Later in a corridor of Parliament House, Charles Prentiss and Martin McCabe bump into each other.

Martin McCabe : Hey, Charles we aren't charging these clowns on a performance basis are we?
Charles Prentiss : My dear chap, what kind of a fool do you take me for? Cash in hand on an hourly basis.
Martin McCabe : Good. I'm still a bit concerned about the ethics of representing both sides.
Charles Prentiss : Ethics? they don't know the meaning of the word, and besides, they don't really care as long as they think they have a chance of winning at the next election.
Martin McCabe : So who do you think will win, Beazley or Rudd?
Charles Prentiss : Martin, lets not take sides now, that would be unethical.
Martin McCabe : You do realise we have a secret weapon?
Mark Latham steps out from behind a pot plant
Mark Latham (Russel Crowe) : I will promise not to run as an independent for the Senate if caucaus members vote for Kim Beazley. In return Kim has promised that if reelected as leader he would force every member of caucas to buy a copy of my latest book. 'A conga line of suckholes'
Charles Prentiss : ahhhh Martin, but we have our own secret weapon,
Paul Keating appears from behind an antique clock
Paul Keating (Raiph Fiennes) : Voting for Beazley would be like stepping aboard the Hindenburg for the third time.
Charles Prentiss : The good thing is that with the ALP in such dissaray, we have enough work to set us up on easy street for the rest of our lives.
Bob Hawke (himself) : appearing from behind a lump of radio active waste with slightly flourescent green glow) : Yes it's almost as easy as selling uranium to children.

Scene 3

Meanwhile The PM is holding the last Cabinet meeting for the year. On the agenda is the Liberal Party Christmas bash at the Wentworth Hotel in Sydney.

Alexander Downer (Rupert Everatt) : I thought I would kick off the festive season by wearing my christmas stocking to the party and singing Deck the Halls with Loans and Kickbacks fa la la la
Peter costello: Yes we could also spread the Christmas cheer by placing the PM on top of the Christmas tree ([under his breath] preferably until next year)
PM (Antony Hopkins) : No I thought I would spread the Christmas cheer by announcing that I intend to challenge Bob Menzies record of longest serving Prime Minister.
Peter Costello says nothing but looks ashen faced.
Amanda Vanstone (Kathy Bates) : The important thing is the food. I've organised a boat load of 'guestworkers' to do the catering.
PM : Not Indonesian food again. Can we at least teach them to cook steak and three veg.
Malcolm Turnbull (Roger Ramjet) : Yes, and I will be providing the evian water.

Saturday, October 28, 2006

The Carbon Suckhole!

Scene 1

In a casino somewhere in Sydney Helen is bemused at just how easily her
precious communications laws went through the senate.

Helen Coonan (special guest star, Merryl Streep) : PM how on earth did you manage to get Steven Fielding to vote for the new communications laws?
PM (Antony Hopkins) : I simply gave him a family impact statement with a few case studies on how the new laws would affect some average Australian Families.
Helen Coonan : hmmmm.... You mean you actually found some average Australian Families that would be better off?
PM : Yes, well..... the Packer, Murdoch and Stokes families sprang instantly to mind, they're fairly average wouldn't you say Helen?
Helen coonan : Do you mean in intellegance or income?
PM : Money talks, you know that Helen.
Helen Coonan : Did someone say "Media Consultant", I'm looking around for a board that will take washed up politicians.
PM : Well, we might be able to make room for you at the ABC, what are you like at history?

Scene 2

The last bastion of Australian democracy - The gents urinal at Parliament House.

Kim Beazley (John Goodman) : At the trough. Shit boys I wasn't expecting that.
Glimmer Twins: (Keitth Richards and Mick Jagger) Holding Kims member. Yes Kim the Fair Pay Commission actually gave workers fair pay.
Kim Beazley: Well how do we counter this Oh and can you give it a shake please.
Glimmer Twins: Don't worry Kim the polster said we should focus on Iraq and Climate Change this week.
Alexander Downer (Rupert Everatt) From the cubicle: Ah ha caught you in the act, so that's how you make polices!
Kim Beazley: Quick boys its a leak. Time for the old Labor mateship ritual.
Alexander Downer: I thought you'd never ask.

Scene 3

Liberal Party rubber stamp department caucus room.
Liberal back bench choir (of suckholes), all in unison to the Roger Ramjet theme tune.

When Turnbull takes a proton pill the deserts start to worry, they can't escape the flooding reigns from malcolms mighty fury.
Malcolm Turnbull, he's our man, hero of our nation, he's not a wet but don't forget he'll bring us lots of water.
Malcolm Turnbull (Roger Ramjet) : Thank you friends, I know together we can ride the sheeps back to success, All I need to do is take my proton pill which gives me the power of 20 angry farmers in the middle of a water allocation for 20 seconds, that'll sure whip up a storm.
Malcolm Turnbull Holds up Proton Pill to admiring suck holes sorry caucaus and then drops it. Exclaims 'Dam'.
Peter Costello: Now there's and idea. Dam the Murray. Dam that river in Tasmania, What was it called again?
Bob Hawke (himself): I think it was called the Franklin Peter and I'm its saviour.
Peter Costello: What are you doing in our caucaus meeting anyway Bob.
Bob Hawke: Well people can't tell the difference anymore anyway.
PM: That's what I'm hoping for at the next election. More water anyone?

Scene 4

Natasha Stott Despojia Addressing the Democrats national caucaus in a broom cupboard in Parliament House.
Tash (Special guest star Jodie Foster): After much soul searching and the realisation over coffee this morning that its been five years since I or any other Democrat for that matter, has had any real influence on Parliament, I've decided to resign from Parliament and take up a more fulfilling role.
Democrat Caucas (in unison, well no choice really there are so few of them): Oh well dear me.
Mark Latham (Russell Crowe): Desperately looking for a forum to promote his new book. I approve, that's why I'm a house husband. By the way have you read my latest book. A Conga Line of Suckholes.
Tash: Oh I thought that was about Meg Lees leadership of the Democrats.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Australian Values and Virtues?


Scene 1

Tony Burke (Andrew Gaze) : Kim, what are we going to do, the Liberals are trying to play the race card again with their Australian Values for citizens drive
Kim Beazley (John Goodman) : Yeah, don't tell me about it, I remember the last time they played that card, they absolutely trounced us.
Tony Burke : Maybe the bleeding heart, latte leftie, hippie approach of traditional multi-cultralism that the Labor party is famous for just doesn't wash with the electorate any more
Kim Beazley : I think you're right, I'm not going to be beaten again on race issues, and as the old saying goes, if you can't beat them, join them.... and play their game even better.
Tony Burke : So what are you going to do?
Kim Beazley : Lets go even further, They want to insist on Australian Values for new citizens, but what about all those pescie tourists that come to our glorious country, they should have to sign up to Australian Value, learn to speak English, and go to at least 2 AFL matches while they're visiting
Tony Burke : Yeah, and we can change the tourism slogan from "Where the bloody hell are you?" to "Who's bloody shout is it?", and we can get Hawkie to do the Adds
Kim Beazley : now you're on the right track.
Tony Burke : And they have to agree not to throw their children over board while on the Manly ferry, and they have to barrak for Australia in the soccer even though most Australians don't even really understand the game and are only interested when we win.
Kim Beazley : And must be willing to drive a V8, know the difference between a holden and a Ford, wrestle a crocodile and cook a decent Aussie BBQ
Tony Burke : Also a questoin about how to recognise your mates.

Mark Latham Appears from behind an ALP apparatchik

Mark Latham (Russel Crowe) : They're the ones sticking the knives into your back.
Kim Beazley : No Tony, we don't necessarily need them to know ALP policy inside out.


Scene 2


PM (Antony Hopkins) : I've called this special cabinet meeting to discuss what questions we need in our Australian Values/ Australian History / English Language Tests, it's important that we catch out potential un-Australian behaviour, and capitalize upon it for our polling .... sorry I mean protect the Australian people from the evil intentions of Muslims, whoops I mean extremists.

Here's a few questions I prepared earlier, take a quick look and add some ideas.

PM Passes around a hastily scribbled note with the following

Q1. How many indigenous children were forcedly removed from their parents between 1920 and 1965

a. 0
b. none
c. none that can be legally proved
d. All of the above
e. 235

(acceptable answers: any of the above except e)

Q2. Who is Australias best ever, and second longest serving Prime Minister?
(Note: If the candidate gets this question wrong, it's automatic deportation, do not pass go, do not even pick up your 547 visa)

Q3. If your at a bar with 3 mates, how many chardonay's would you buy if it was your shout?
a. 0
b. 2
c. 4
d. 1
(this is a trick question, the correct answer is a. 0, any real Aussie knows that you'd buy 4 VBs)

Q4. What are good topics for discussion at an Aussie Barbeque
a) Aussie Rules
b) Rugby League
c) Lleyton Hewitt
d) Shane Warne
e) all of the above
f) the latest performance by the Sydney Theatre Company.

(Acceptable Answers: any except f)


Q5. In what century was Australia discovered?

(Answer 18th Centry)


Q6. Which of the following is Un-Australian behaviour (Tick all that apply)
a) Planning a terrorist attck
b) Sponsoring a terrorist organisation
c) burning the Australian Flag
d) Not watching the Ashes
e) Critisizing th Australian government
f) Not crying during Steve Erwins memorial service

(Answers : All should be checked although given Australias defeat in the last ashes series English immigrants will not be marked wrong if they don't tick d)


Q7. What is the Australian Dream
a) To be a home owner
b) To be a Dole Bluger
c) To be a Sports Start
d) To be a multi-million dollar media mogul and head off overseas to avoid Australian Tax laws

(Acceptable Answers : anyting except b)

Language test


Q1. can they say maaaaaate, footy, booze


Q2. do they know the difference between a sheila and a sheerer?


Q3. What could you use the saying "She'll be right Mate?" in association with
a) The environment.
b) driving whilst under the influence of alcohol.
c) Kim Beazleys leadership.
d) Education

(Correct Answers : Anything except c)


Q4. What does the term "Aussie Diggers" refer to?
a) A Mining equipment company
b) The work for the dole program
c) Australias courageous war veterans from our many gutsy campaigns.
d) A Sheila that marries a rich Aussie bloke for the money (See Rose Hancock).

(Answer c)


Philip Ruddock (Christopher Walken) : That all looks pretty easy PM, we should really try and make it a bit more challenging, we could combine the values and language tests by insisting that they
sing BOTH versus of the Australian National Anthem.
Peter Costello (Alan Rickman) : There's two versus?
Brendan Nelson : Yeah but they have to sing it out of tune as if they were at the AFL.
Alexander Downer (Rupert Everett) : How bout extra bonus points if they've seen "The Boy From Oz" and can sing at least two songs from it.

Monday, September 11, 2006

Welcome To Crazy Johns

Scene 1

Liberal party Poll crisis meeting

Peter Costello (Alan Rickman) : PM the polls are starting to slip, what are we going to do to ensure my Prime Mistership… whoops I mean our parties future?

PM (Antony Hopkins) : I just don’t understand why my Aussie battlers are turning against us, we need to remind them of how safe Australia is now from the terrorist threat.

Philip Ruddock (Christopher Walken): Yes PM, we are all so much safer now that we have the fridge magnets and a dob in a Muslim hotline, and if people still don’t feel safe, then we’ve even got a special task force of people from Cronulla who can help them out.

Brendon Nelson (Tom Cruise) : Yeah, and we’ve just spent $10 Billion to recruit new soldiers so we can feel even safer, But it just doesn’t seem to be sinking in to the general public

Amanda Vandstone (Kathy Bates) : Maybe we should bring back conscription… that’ll help us teach the new refugees Australian values.

PM : All great ideas guys, but they need to be properly funded in an appropriate manner that reflects the needs of the Australian populous

Peter Costello : What you mean have a F&^king great surplus left over at the end so we can pork barrel the public one more time?

PM : Exactly, so lets do it…. Lets have a fire sale...

PM takes off suit and tie and puts on a sequened jacket and bowler hat and start spinning a candy cane

VOICE OVER (Helen Coonan) : Ladies and Gentlemen, step right up, it’s your last chance to invest in two of Australias greatest institutions, it’s crazy Johns Stock Clearance Sale. The liquidators are moving in and everything MUST go (including Sol Trojullio). We’ve got Telstra shares, Medibank Private shares, PPP’s, the reserve bank you name we’ve got it, and it’s GOT TO GO. We’ll also throw in a free set stake knives… oh and Peter Costello, and if you call in the next 15 minutes, we’ll also throw in Alexander’s Ragtime band. You’ll never see bogans... I mean bargains like this again… shares just walking out the door, bring your truck, bring your trailer, and every 100th buyer gets a free guest worker thrown in* . This is a history making sale** and will never be repeated again***.

* must be employed under exploitation visa 547

** At least according to the Keith Winshuttle’s black and white version of history

*** Because there’ll be nothing left to sell.

Scene 2

The Labor party is once again complaining about the terrible injustice of it all.

Interviewer : So how do you respond to the latest prediction that interest rates will rise again

The Glimmer Twins: Wayne Swan and Stephen Smith (In chorus): John Howard is guilty of electoral fraud!!! He lied to Australian public at the last election about maintaining lower interest rates.

Interviewer: But weren’t interest rates higher under Labor

Glimmer Twins: Yes but people were too poor to buy houses so it didn’t matter. The difference is now they’re too poor to pay their mort gauges. It's just another way that the Liberal Party keeps the workers down. If the Labor Party was back in power all the workers would not be deluded into thinking that they could afford to buy a house and overstretching their budget and going into massive debt. Anyway it would provide more property for investors, and we'd be protecting the environment by not having to free up land for urban development.

Scene 3

Outside Parliament House Canberra the enigmatic leader of the Greens, Bob Brown is contemplating the impact of the changes to parliamentary superannuation.

Bob Brown: (Kevin Costner): Well if you pay peanuts you’ll get gorillas.

Flash to Kim Beazley and Wilson Tuckey's showdown outside parliament.

Kim Beazley : You worthless weak pointless individual go off and take your pills….

Wilson Tuckey (Bill Murray) : Your pathetic, I have every right to stand here and say my piece.

Bob Brown: Back in the present, switches on music from the Goodies ‘Do the funky gibbon’ : I rest my case.

Latham : ‘Jesus I’d be happy on 9%’ these days. Royalties from the book are not flowing as well as I thought they would. At this point I will be forced to host a game show, Move over Bert Newton I’m coming through. (Jumps off stage making monkey noises and jumping up and down.)

Monday, July 31, 2006

Episode 5 - Sex, lies and policy platforms

Scene 1:

The leader of the Opposition, Kim Beazley, is addressing a bewildered caucus who are frantically searching through dictionaries, attempting to look up the word “policy”.

Kim Beazley (John Goodman): Now we’ve got our Industrial relations policy, our education policy and the new “glow in the dark uranium mines policy”.
Bob Hawke (himself) Appears from underneath the table: No child shall live without an enriched uranium sandpit.
Kim Beazley: Yes…. Thanks Hawkie, now where was I. So we have 3 policies, I reckon if we get one or two more, we could call it a “Policy Platform”.

Caucus lets out a horrified gasp, and several members faint…. After union officials administer CPR to the fallen comrades, and beer and hot chips to the stunned shadow ministers, the debate continues.

Peter Garret (Patrick Stewart): Gee Kim, I thought the whole point of opposition was to develop a platform and boldly go where the government dare not venture and to reclaim the Forgotten Years, and to create a New Dream World for Australia.
Steven Smith (Keith Richards) whispers to Wayne Swan : I thought Dream World was on the Gold Coast.
Wayne Swan (Mick Jagger): Yeah, you can tell he’s new blood, give ‘im 6 months and he’ll be back stabbing and hanging out for his parliamentary pension just like the rest of us.

Suddenly a blinding light appears down the hallway
Gough enters pushed in a wheelchair by Paul Keating, with all 90 candles on his birthday cake ablaze.

Gough Whitlam (the Rt Hon himself): Maintain the rage Comrades! We had policy platforms
back in my day, and it won’t hurt you to have them again now.
Paul Keating (Raiph Fienness): This lot couldn’t maintain the parliamentary toilets let alone a policy platform. I’ve seen more imagination out of a pack of Big Brother contestants.

Scene 2:

Peter Costello (Alan Rickman) Surrounded by dirty nappies, and sleep deprived young mothers: I’d like to thank you all for supporting my “Populate or Perish in Poverty” policy, I think you’ll agree that there are wonderful benefits for us as a nation.
Stressed out mother: What benefits, with these three bloody kids, I’ve had no sleep, I’m cash strapped, from the childcare bills, and because of the new IR laws, I don’t even get to see the damn kids anyway, because I’m a single mother who has to provide for them.
Peter Costello : Well, we don’t really count single mothers in our statistics, I mean if we did we started counting all of the unusual parenting arrangements, we might even have to include children of same sex couples. But I think we can all agree on the real benefit of this policy.
Multiple stressed out mothers: What benefit?
Peter Costello: With the upcoming election, we’ll have plenty of babies to kiss for our PR engagements, and you never know, by the time they’re teenagers, I might actually be Prime Minister.

Scene 3:

John Howard in his office trying out new ‘truth detector’ on prospective replacements for Peter Costello should he accept the PM’s very generous offer of the position of Australian Ambassador to Lebanon.
John Howard (Anthony Hopkins): Now Alexander I tried out this contraption on myself this morning and it proves that I can adopt a flexible posture when discussing the development of government policy in the appropriate context taking into account the present climate for variability, so we know it works.
Alexander Downer: (Rupert Everatt) (gushing) Oh yes Prime Minister, if I get to be Treasurer I will reach out to the nation. I can see it now “Alexander and his Ragtime Band” touring the nation selling the Government’s policies. It will certainly make budget night a lot more fun.
John Howard: Next candidate.
Suddenly the Top Gun theme is playing loudly. Enter Defence Minister Brendon Nelson, who is connected to the machine by the PM.
Brendon Nelson (Tom Cruise): Prime Minister I have selflessly committed myself to the defence of this proud nation and in the event of a conflict I will lead our troops into battle.
John Howard: Jesus the machines gone off the scale. Not bad but I want to see the next candidate just to be sure.
Enter special guest star Roger Ramjet as Parliamentary Secretary for Water and all things dashing, the one and only Malcolm Turnbull. Sounds of Roger Ramjet theme tune in the background.
Malcolm Turnbull: Hey Jonny, just let me take a proton pill which gives me the power of 20 uranium fired powered stations for the period of 20 seconds, before you hook me up.
He pops the Proton Pill and 20 seconds later the machine explodes emitting radioactive waste.
John Howard: Dam I’ll have to resort to Plan B. Bring in the final candidate.
Mark Latham walks in the door.
Mark Latham: (Russell Crowe) Hi Jonny. I’m so excited about this gig. The Latham Diaries are not selling that well even though it’s just gone to paperback and their releasing the spoke word CD and the mime DVD soon as well. Both come with language warnings.
John Howard: Heaven help us and please put down that phone.