Episode 10 - The New Year Gig Guide

As parliament is in recess over the Christmas, New Year period, the Movers and Shakers of Australian Federal politics are on a well deserved break... or are they. Some of our illustrious leaders are hard at work trying to spread the cheer and good will in their own unique ways.

We bring you the New Year Gig Guide.

Alexander Downer and the "backbenchers" go on a tour of Fiji with their new show, a tribute to Mahatma Ghandi, "The passive resistance chorus line". If it's successful in Fiji, they plan to take it to China, Russia and Iraq later next year, and the PM has suggested a special one off show at Guantanamo Bay.

The Labour Party Policy Pantomime is a must see, this is where each member of the Shadow Cabinet gets to act out a policy for the next election. Although Peter Garretts forestry policy "Where have all the Gum Trees Gone" lacks the soul and conviction of some of his earlier work, the night is rescued by Julia Gillards stunning rendition of "Working Class Nation" as a response to the Howard IR reforms.

Comming to a town near you, the Gillard-Rudd Talk and Listen tour otherwise known as "Punch and Julia".

Pauline Hanson back by unpopular demand is hosting a special rendition of the "Black and White minsteral show"... special because it employs white people exclusively. The show will tour extensively, altough sources close to Ms Hanson have suggested that in light of recent events, they are thinking of cancelling the scheduled Palm Island and Lakemba shows, she will however be making a special appearance at "the Big Day Out" draped in the Australian flag.

Peter Costello is doing an album launch where he sings some of his all time favourites like "When I'm 64", "As Time Goes By", and "The Fool on the Hill", with a special guest appearance from Shanon Noel as they do a duet to "What about Me".

Mark Latham will be touring with an adapted stage rendition of A Christmas Carol where he discovers the error of his ways and goes about the streets giving all the needy and marginalised people free copies of his latest book. This has a special guest appearance from Gough Whitlam as the Ghost of Christmas past, and Kevin Rudd as the Ghost of Christmas future.

Episode 9 - The Silly Season

Scene 1
Molly Meldrum speaking at the launch of Peter Garrett's new solo album. 'The True Believers'

Molly Meldrum (As himself as always) : Peter Garrett fresh from his sell out tour of the Victorian State Election has reasleased a fantastic new album just in time for Christmas. Peter Garrett has reworked some of the old Midnight Oils tracks to suit his new political expidiency role in the Labor Party. Here's a clip from the album



Peter Garrett singing with backing choir of faceless apprarachiks outside Parliament House in Canberra.

'Caucaus forces give the nod,
Its the set back for your party,
Preferences all in rows,
The Greens are voting Liberal.
Divided world the split ticket,
Vote Labor true believers.'

Back to Molly in the studio. Fantastic and there's other great tracks on the album including:

Votes are burning"
"Green Vote Mine"
"Back on the party line"
"Forgotten Years"
"King of the Caucas"
"Green skin black heart"
"Shakers and Movers"
"Power and the Politics"
"When the Whips Talk"
"Sold my Soul"
"Put Down that Split Ticket"

and a re-working of truganini that comes out sounding like "Machiavelli"

So spend up big kiddies, and remember that all proceeds from the sale of this album goes to Peter's campaign fund for Marginal Labor seats under threat from the Greens, so a really worthwhile cause.


Scene 2

As the christmas season draws near, and the season of goodwill is upon us, the ALP settles in for its annual leadership crisis which traditionally heralds the start of the silly season. In seperate rooms at pariament house, the battle for leader of the runners up at the last election starts in earnest as both camps consult their respective PR consultants and prepare for the battle ahead.

Kim Beazley is locked in stratergy Negotiations with Martin McCabe (of Prentiss McCabe) while Kevin Rudd and Julia Gillard are locked in an intense makeover session with Charles Prentiss (of Prentiss McCabe).

In Kim Beazley's office (otherwise known as "The Bunker"), Kim appears wearing helmet with a General's star, surronded by his henchmen the Glimmer twins (wayne Swan and Steven Smith) dressed in flack
jackets.


Martin McCabe (Special Guest star John Bird) : I think we should go with the "experience" angle.
Kim Beazley (John Goodman) : Yes, I'm a real campaign veteran.
Marin McCabe : yes... well, let's not focus on the veteran angle too much.

Meanwhile in the Rudd - Gillard camp

Kevin Rudd (Daniel Radcliffe) : I'm betting Kim will try the experience tack.
Charles Prentiss (Special guest star Steven Fry): Almost certainly, I would if I was representing him, but we can counter that by saying that the only thing he's experienced at is losing elections.
Julia Gillard (Judy Davis) : Brilliant (chuckles).
Charles Prentiss : and we can counter that by highlighting our new ideas and fresh approach.

Meanwhile back in the Beazley camp

Martin McCabe : Now they'll almost certainly mention their new ideas and fresh approach to counterpoint your experience
Kim Beazley : But I have new ideas, and surely you can help me build a fresh approach.
Martin McCabe : I'm a PR cinsultant, not a miracle worker..., no we'll simply counter that by saying that Mark Latham had new ideas and a fresh approach that cost us the last election.
Kim Beazley : Good point, what can we do about the factions.
Martin McCabe : We need to keep them busy worrying about their own jobs
Kim Beazley : I know, how about a frontbench reshuffle?
Martin McCabe : Problem is the phrase "reshuffle" doesn't really strike fear into their hearts, it's just like a glorified game of musical chairs,
Kim Beazley : I've got it, how about a blood letting.
Martin McCabe : hmmm, potentially could be constrewed as disunity this close to an election, how about a frontbench spill? Kind of like a new broom sweeping through the party room, it'll re-invigorate your leadership.

Back in the Rudd - Gillard camp

Charles Prentiss : Now Beazley will probably try to detract attention from his innefectual leadership by announcing a frontbench reschuffle or something like that, we need to try and keep people focused on the fact that Kim's a loser, and that the best chance of winning the next election is with the 'dream team' at the helm.
Kevin Rudd : A reschuffle you say... I wonder if my frontbench position will be safe?
Charles Prentiss : Kevin, stay focused won't you?
Julia Gillard : Maybe if we get in first with a leadership challenge, he'll forget about a reshuffle.
Charles Prentiss : Not likely, but if you get in first, at least it will make it look like he's calling it because of the threat rather than to reinvigorate the party.
Kevin Rudd : I guess I should be talking up the work I've been doing with the AWB inquiry.
Charles Prentiss : No Kevin, the public haven't been interested in that for about 6 months now, and none of them understand it anyway, and frankly everyones sick of you sounding like a brocken record. Better talk about up your new ideas.
Kevin Rudd : But I haven't got any.
Charles Prentiss : Yes we all know that, but the public need to believe that you are thinking about having new ideas.


Later in a corridor of Parliament House, Charles Prentiss and Martin McCabe bump into each other.

Martin McCabe : Hey, Charles we aren't charging these clowns on a performance basis are we?
Charles Prentiss : My dear chap, what kind of a fool do you take me for? Cash in hand on an hourly basis.
Martin McCabe : Good. I'm still a bit concerned about the ethics of representing both sides.
Charles Prentiss : Ethics? they don't know the meaning of the word, and besides, they don't really care as long as they think they have a chance of winning at the next election.
Martin McCabe : So who do you think will win, Beazley or Rudd?
Charles Prentiss : Martin, lets not take sides now, that would be unethical.
Martin McCabe : You do realise we have a secret weapon?
Mark Latham steps out from behind a pot plant
Mark Latham (Russel Crowe) : I will promise not to run as an independent for the Senate if caucaus members vote for Kim Beazley. In return Kim has promised that if reelected as leader he would force every member of caucas to buy a copy of my latest book. 'A conga line of suckholes'
Charles Prentiss : ahhhh Martin, but we have our own secret weapon,
Paul Keating appears from behind an antique clock
Paul Keating (Raiph Fiennes) : Voting for Beazley would be like stepping aboard the Hindenburg for the third time.
Charles Prentiss : The good thing is that with the ALP in such dissaray, we have enough work to set us up on easy street for the rest of our lives.
Bob Hawke (himself) : appearing from behind a lump of radio active waste with slightly flourescent green glow) : Yes it's almost as easy as selling uranium to children.

Scene 3

Meanwhile The PM is holding the last Cabinet meeting for the year. On the agenda is the Liberal Party Christmas bash at the Wentworth Hotel in Sydney.

Alexander Downer (Rupert Everatt) : I thought I would kick off the festive season by wearing my christmas stocking to the party and singing Deck the Halls with Loans and Kickbacks fa la la la
Peter costello: Yes we could also spread the Christmas cheer by placing the PM on top of the Christmas tree ([under his breath] preferably until next year)
PM (Antony Hopkins) : No I thought I would spread the Christmas cheer by announcing that I intend to challenge Bob Menzies record of longest serving Prime Minister.
Peter Costello says nothing but looks ashen faced.
Amanda Vanstone (Kathy Bates) : The important thing is the food. I've organised a boat load of 'guestworkers' to do the catering.
PM : Not Indonesian food again. Can we at least teach them to cook steak and three veg.
Malcolm Turnbull (Roger Ramjet) : Yes, and I will be providing the evian water.