Australian Values and Virtues?

 

Scene 1

Tony Burke (Andrew Gaze) : Kim, what are we going to do, the Liberals are trying to play the race card again with their Australian Values for citizens drive
Kim Beazley (John Goodman) : Yeah, don't tell me about it, I remember the last time they played that card, they absolutely trounced us.
Tony Burke : Maybe the bleeding heart, latte leftie, hippie approach of traditional multi-cultralism that the Labor party is famous for just doesn't wash with the electorate any more
Kim Beazley : I think you're right, I'm not going to be beaten again on race issues, and as the old saying goes, if you can't beat them, join them.... and play their game even better.
Tony Burke : So what are you going to do?
Kim Beazley : Lets go even further, They want to insist on Australian Values for new citizens, but what about all those pescie tourists that come to our glorious country, they should have to sign up to Australian Value, learn to speak English, and go to at least 2 AFL matches while they're visiting
Tony Burke : Yeah, and we can change the tourism slogan from "Where the bloody hell are you?" to "Who's bloody shout is it?", and we can get Hawkie to do the Adds
Kim Beazley : now you're on the right track.
Tony Burke : And they have to agree not to throw their children over board while on the Manly ferry, and they have to barrak for Australia in the soccer even though most Australians don't even really understand the game and are only interested when we win.
Kim Beazley : And must be willing to drive a V8, know the difference between a holden and a Ford, wrestle a crocodile and cook a decent Aussie BBQ
Tony Burke : Also a questoin about how to recognise your mates.

Mark Latham Appears from behind an ALP apparatchik

Mark Latham (Russel Crowe) : They're the ones sticking the knives into your back.
Kim Beazley : No Tony, we don't necessarily need them to know ALP policy inside out.

 

Scene 2

  

PM (Antony Hopkins) : I've called this special cabinet meeting to discuss what questions we need in our Australian Values/ Australian History / English Language Tests, it's important that we catch out potential un-Australian behaviour, and capitalize upon it for our polling .... sorry I mean protect the Australian people from the evil intentions of Muslims, whoops I mean extremists.

Here's a few questions I prepared earlier, take a quick look and add some ideas.

PM Passes around a hastily scribbled note with the following

Q1. How many indigenous children were forcedly removed from their parents between 1920 and 1965

a. 0
b. none
c. none that can be legally proved
d. All of the above
e. 235

(acceptable answers: any of the above except e)

Q2. Who is Australias best ever, and second longest serving Prime Minister?
(Note: If the candidate gets this question wrong, it's automatic deportation, do not pass go, do not even pick up your 547 visa)

Q3. If your at a bar with 3 mates, how many chardonay's would you buy if it was your shout?
a. 0
b. 2
c. 4
d. 1
(this is a trick question, the correct answer is a. 0, any real Aussie knows that you'd buy 4 VBs)

Q4. What are good topics for discussion at an Aussie Barbeque
a) Aussie Rules
b) Rugby League
c) Lleyton Hewitt
d) Shane Warne
e) all of the above
f) the latest performance by the Sydney Theatre Company.

(Acceptable Answers: any except f)

 

Q5. In what century was Australia discovered?

(Answer 18th Centry)

 

Q6. Which of the following is Un-Australian behaviour (Tick all that apply)
a) Planning a terrorist attck
b) Sponsoring a terrorist organisation
c) burning the Australian Flag
d) Not watching the Ashes
e) Critisizing th Australian government
f) Not crying during Steve Erwins memorial service

(Answers : All should be checked although given Australias defeat in the last ashes series English immigrants will not be marked wrong if they don't tick d)

 

Q7. What is the Australian Dream
a) To be a home owner
b) To be a Dole Bluger
c) To be a Sports Start
d) To be a multi-million dollar media mogul and head off overseas to avoid Australian Tax laws

(Acceptable Answers : anyting except b)

Language test

 

Q1. can they say maaaaaate, footy, booze

 

Q2. do they know the difference between a sheila and a sheerer?

 

Q3. What could you use the saying "She'll be right Mate?" in association with
a) The environment.
b) driving whilst under the influence of alcohol.
c) Kim Beazleys leadership.
d) Education

(Correct Answers : Anything except c)

 

Q4. What does the term "Aussie Diggers" refer to?
a) A Mining equipment company
b) The work for the dole program
c) Australias courageous war veterans from our many gutsy campaigns.
d) A Sheila that marries a rich Aussie bloke for the money (See Rose Hancock).

(Answer c)

 

Philip Ruddock (Christopher Walken) : That all looks pretty easy PM, we should really try and make it a bit more challenging, we could combine the values and language tests by insisting that they
sing BOTH versus of the Australian National Anthem.
Peter Costello (Alan Rickman) : There's two versus?
Brendan Nelson : Yeah but they have to sing it out of tune as if they were at the AFL.
Alexander Downer (Rupert Everett) : How bout extra bonus points if they've seen "The Boy From Oz" and can sing at least two songs from it.

Welcome To Crazy Johns

Scene 1

Liberal party Poll crisis meeting

Peter Costello (Alan Rickman) : PM the polls are starting to slip, what are we going to do to ensure my Prime Mistership… whoops I mean our parties future?

PM (Antony Hopkins) : I just don’t understand why my Aussie battlers are turning against us, we need to remind them of how safe Australia is now from the terrorist threat.

Philip Ruddock (Christopher Walken): Yes PM, we are all so much safer now that we have the fridge magnets and a dob in a Muslim hotline, and if people still don’t feel safe, then we’ve even got a special task force of people from Cronulla who can help them out.

Brendon Nelson (Tom Cruise) : Yeah, and we’ve just spent $10 Billion to recruit new soldiers so we can feel even safer, But it just doesn’t seem to be sinking in to the general public

Amanda Vandstone (Kathy Bates) : Maybe we should bring back conscription… that’ll help us teach the new refugees Australian values.

PM : All great ideas guys, but they need to be properly funded in an appropriate manner that reflects the needs of the Australian populous

Peter Costello : What you mean have a F&^king great surplus left over at the end so we can pork barrel the public one more time?

PM : Exactly, so lets do it…. Lets have a fire sale...

PM takes off suit and tie and puts on a sequened jacket and bowler hat and start spinning a candy cane

VOICE OVER (Helen Coonan) : Ladies and Gentlemen, step right up, it’s your last chance to invest in two of Australias greatest institutions, it’s crazy Johns Stock Clearance Sale. The liquidators are moving in and everything MUST go (including Sol Trojullio). We’ve got Telstra shares, Medibank Private shares, PPP’s, the reserve bank you name we’ve got it, and it’s GOT TO GO. We’ll also throw in a free set stake knives… oh and Peter Costello, and if you call in the next 15 minutes, we’ll also throw in Alexander’s Ragtime band. You’ll never see bogans... I mean bargains like this again… shares just walking out the door, bring your truck, bring your trailer, and every 100^th buyer gets a free guest worker thrown in* . This is a history making sale** and will never be repeated again***.

* must be employed under exploitation visa 547

** At least according to the Keith Winshuttle’s black and white version of history

*** Because there’ll be nothing left to sell.

Scene 2

The Labor party is once again complaining about the terrible injustice of it all.

Interviewer : So how do you respond to the latest prediction that interest rates will rise again

The Glimmer Twins: Wayne Swan and Stephen Smith (In chorus): John Howard is guilty of electoral fraud!!! He lied to Australian public at the last election about maintaining lower interest rates.

Interviewer: But weren’t interest rates higher under Labor

Glimmer Twins: Yes but people were too poor to buy houses so it didn’t matter. The difference is now they’re too poor to pay their mort gauges. It's just another way that the Liberal Party keeps the workers down. If the Labor Party was back in power all the workers would not be deluded into thinking that they could afford to buy a house and overstretching their budget and going into massive debt. Anyway it would provide more property for investors, and we'd be protecting the environment by not having to free up land for urban development.

Scene 3

Outside Parliament House Canberra the enigmatic leader of the Greens, Bob Brown is contemplating the impact of the changes to parliamentary superannuation.

Bob Brown: (Kevin Costner): Well if you pay peanuts you’ll get gorillas.

Flash to Kim Beazley and Wilson Tuckey's showdown outside parliament.

Kim Beazley : You worthless weak pointless individual go off and take your pills….

Wilson Tuckey (Bill Murray) : Your pathetic, I have every right to stand here and say my piece.

Bob Brown: Back in the present, switches on music from the Goodies ‘Do the funky gibbon’ : I rest my case.

Latham : ‘Jesus I’d be happy on 9%’ these days. Royalties from the book are not flowing as well as I thought they would. At this point I will be forced to host a game show, Move over Bert Newton I’m coming through. (Jumps off stage making monkey noises and jumping up and down.)