Episode 5 - Sex, lies and policy platforms

Scene 1:

The leader of the Opposition, Kim Beazley, is addressing a bewildered caucus who are frantically searching through dictionaries, attempting to look up the word “policy”.

Kim Beazley (John Goodman): Now we’ve got our Industrial relations policy, our education policy and the new “glow in the dark uranium mines policy”.
Bob Hawke (himself) Appears from underneath the table: No child shall live without an enriched uranium sandpit.
Kim Beazley: Yes…. Thanks Hawkie, now where was I. So we have 3 policies, I reckon if we get one or two more, we could call it a “Policy Platform”.

Caucus lets out a horrified gasp, and several members faint…. After union officials administer CPR to the fallen comrades, and beer and hot chips to the stunned shadow ministers, the debate continues.

Peter Garret (Patrick Stewart): Gee Kim, I thought the whole point of opposition was to develop a platform and boldly go where the government dare not venture and to reclaim the Forgotten Years, and to create a New Dream World for Australia.
Steven Smith (Keith Richards) whispers to Wayne Swan : I thought Dream World was on the Gold Coast.
Wayne Swan (Mick Jagger): Yeah, you can tell he’s new blood, give ‘im 6 months and he’ll be back stabbing and hanging out for his parliamentary pension just like the rest of us.

Suddenly a blinding light appears down the hallway
Gough enters pushed in a wheelchair by Paul Keating, with all 90 candles on his birthday cake ablaze.
Gough Whitlam (the Rt Hon himself): Maintain the rage Comrades! We had policy platforms
back in my day, and it won’t hurt you to have them again now.
Paul Keating (Raiph Fienness): This lot couldn’t maintain the parliamentary toilets let alone a policy platform. I’ve seen more imagination out of a pack of Big Brother contestants.

Scene 2:

Peter Costello (Alan Rickman) Surrounded by dirty nappies, and sleep deprived young mothers: I’d like to thank you all for supporting my “Populate or Perish in Poverty” policy, I think you’ll agree that there are wonderful benefits for us as a nation.
Stressed out mother: What benefits, with these three bloody kids, I’ve had no sleep, I’m cash strapped, from the childcare bills, and because of the new IR laws, I don’t even get to see the damn kids anyway, because I’m a single mother who has to provide for them.
Peter Costello : Well, we don’t really count single mothers in our statistics, I mean if we did we started counting all of the unusual parenting arrangements, we might even have to include children of same sex couples. But I think we can all agree on the real benefit of this policy.
Multiple stressed out mothers: What benefit?
Peter Costello: With the upcoming election, we’ll have plenty of babies to kiss for our PR engagements, and you never know, by the time they’re teenagers, I might actually be Prime Minister.

Scene 3:

John Howard in his office trying out new ‘truth detector’ on prospective replacements for Peter Costello should he accept the PM’s very generous offer of the position of Australian Ambassador to Lebanon.
John Howard (Anthony Hopkins): Now Alexander I tried out this contraption on myself this morning and it proves that I can adopt a flexible posture when discussing the development of government policy in the appropriate context taking into account the present climate for variability, so we know it works.
Alexander Downer: (Rupert Everatt) (gushing) Oh yes Prime Minister, if I get to be Treasurer I will reach out to the nation. I can see it now “Alexander and his Ragtime Band” touring the nation selling the Government’s policies. It will certainly make budget night a lot more fun.
John Howard: Next candidate.
Suddenly the Top Gun theme is playing loudly. Enter Defence Minister Brendon Nelson, who is connected to the machine by the PM.
Brendon Nelson (Tom Cruise): Prime Minister I have selflessly committed myself to the defence of this proud nation and in the event of a conflict I will lead our troops into battle.
John Howard: Jesus the machines gone off the scale. Not bad but I want to see the next candidate just to be sure.
Enter special guest star Roger Ramjet as Parliamentary Secretary for Water and all things dashing, the one and only Malcolm Turnbull. Sounds of Roger Ramjet theme tune in the background.
Malcolm Turnbull: Hey Jonny, just let me take a proton pill which gives me the power of 20 uranium fired powered stations for the period of 20 seconds, before you hook me up.
He pops the Proton Pill and 20 seconds later the machine explodes emitting radioactive waste.
John Howard: Dam I’ll have to resort to Plan B. Bring in the final candidate.
Mark Latham walks in the door.
Mark Latham: (Russell Crowe) Hi Jonny. I’m so excited about this gig. The Latham Diaries are not selling that well even though it’s just gone to paperback and their releasing the spoke word CD and the mime DVD soon as well. Both come with language warnings.
John Howard: Heaven help us and please put down that phone.

Episode 4 - The Revolting Polys

Scene 1 - Cabinet meeting after PM's refreshing drink from the life affirming waters of the Snowy Hydro, courteousy of Bill
Heffanan, the PM is ready for the winter break but first he must deal with yet another crisis and this time it isn't the National Party (amazing)

Amand Vanstone (Cathy Bates) : PM, PM, come quickly, the back benchers are revolting.
PM (Anthony Hopkins) : Steady on the Amanda, they don't look that bad, and besides, have you taken a good look at yourself in the
mirror recently?
Amanda Vanstone : No PM, I mean they're going to cross the floor.
PM : What, I thought I pulled those nationals into line.
Amanda Vanstone: No, this time they're Liberals, they are going to vote down our changes to immigration, they're comparing it to
Guantanamo Bay
PM: What's so wrong with Guantanamo Bay, if it's good enough for David Hicks, what's wrong with the same set up for the hords of illegals that are trying to get into our country on the sly?
Amanda Vanstone: They're saying we're not meeting our international obligations.
PM: I don't know what their problem is, Indonesia seems to be warming to it. Anyway, don't worry too much about it Mandy, I'm sure our family first friend, Steven Fielding will see it our way.
Amanda Vanstone: OK, how about I get the department of community services to prepare an incriminating "Family Impact Statement"
stating how "Australian Families" will be worse off if we accept these dubios people who a likely at any moment to throw their
children off boats.
PM: Yeah, it's worth a try, but I think I've managed to get him onside with the fuss I've managed to cause over gay marriages, and to be honest he was such a push over with the VSU legislation, I didn't even have to make a deal with him, I think he just liked the attention.

Scene 2 - in a caucus meeting late one afternoon
Kevin Rudd (Daniel Radcliffe) : And we'll get rid of those pesky Liberals by preference deals and branch stacking
Julia Gillard (Judy Davis) : But Kev... that hasn't worked for the past ten years, I think the Australian voter wants something
more... at least that's what my political advisers are telling me. Kim, what are we going to do?
Kim Beazley (John Goodman) : looking buffuddlede and vacant as usual uuuuhhhhmmmmm.....
Suddenly a heavenly light beams down through the caucus room skylight
Kim Beazley : I've got it.... how about..... we actually have a policy?
Caucus collectively: A What!
Kim Beazley : Yes, you remember when we used to have them.... back in the early 90's. Hang on a second, we had one back when Howard was trying to sell his GST, what was it called.... that's right "GST Rollback", all we do is replcace GST with IR... the great "IR
Rollback". Goodbye AWA's, hello common law contracts and collective bargaining, just like in Keatings day.
Caucus erupts in a standing ovation, gradually the ovation dies down.
Julia Gillard : My god Kim ,that's a brilliant idea, just tell me one thing though.... where did that stream of light come from?
Paul Keating (Raiph Fiennes) yells from above skylight : it was me you bloody fools, I had to take drastic measures to teach you scum bags a lesson.... Jesus Kim your like the horse drawn zepplin of Australian politics.

Scene 3 - In a court house somewhere in Sydney, or hero has finally shown up in court.
Mark Latham (Russell Crowe) : But your honor, I was just trying to value add to the ladder of opportunity by easing the squeeze
on the journalists camera equipment.
Judge (special guest appearance by Judge Judy) : That's no excuse.
Mark Latham: Your honor have I told you about my new book, with a complete list of all my one liners from my entire political career.
Judge: I hearby sentence you to 100 hours community service, touring the Country with Bob Hawke promoting Australia's prospects as the world's nuclear waste dump hopefully that won't give time to finish the book.
Bob Hawke (himself) : No child shall live without radioactive waste.
Mark Latham : Your honour not Hawkie. This will be about as exciting as fundraiser for the Australian Democrats.

Scene 4 - Peter Costello holding press conference on his new state bashing plans.

Peter Costello (Alan Rickman) : We're gonna teach these so called State Governments a lesson. For too long they have been winging and carping about not getting enough money or not getting enough support from the Federal Government.
Journalist : Is that why the PM just signed a new COAG agreement with them?
Peter Costello: Well that's different, you see if I was PM they would have to get down on their knees and beg for money.
Another journalist : Why the sudden interest in the States.
Peter Costello: No particular reason, I just want to raise my profile and appear as though I am doing something. I've heard thats how you get to the top job.
Journalist : Or get to be Leader of the Opposition.