Episode 3 - The Jumping Jack Treasurer

Scene 1 - Pied Peter hands down his 11th budget... can he hit the magic 13???

Peter Costello (Alan Rickman) : At a Budget Cabinet meeting. This is the biggest bribe (*Cough*) tax cut, that we've ever offered the public. Hell, we're
even giving it away to the poor.. (*Cough*) economically challenged this time.
PM (Antony Hopkins) : Yes, this will make my ... (*Cough*) our re-election a certainty.
Peter Costello : Perhaps, Prime Minister, you might like to take advantage of the reduction in tax on supperannuation for people over sixty, it comes into effect on 1 July.
PM : Yeah well Bob Menzies didn't retire til he was 70, and if I'm going to beat one of his records it may as well be that one... although, his 17 years as Prime Minister might still be acheivable... providing we don't have too many more Cole inquiries.

Scene 2 - Flashback to the PM facing the Cole Inquiry

Commisioner Cole (Michael Cain) : Mr Howard, your trade minister Mark Vale says that his department didn't show him communications regarding suspected kickbacks in Iraq, How is this possible?
PM : Well, commisioner, it is quite possible, you see, he is a National Party MP, and we tend to treat them, especially those who have portfolio's, with special care and attention.
Commisioner Cole : What kind of special care and attention?
PM : Well, you see we breif all staff in offices of National Party MP's not to actually show them anything they deem potentially important.
Commisioner Cole : Why would you do such a thing?
PM : You see Commisioner it has been our experience that they are easier to maintain as a group if they are not under the illusion that they can make a difference in the running of this country, so we keep them occupied with trivial unimportant stuff to make them feel like they are doing something constructive, but when it comes down to it, their jobs would not be challenging for a trained monkey, or Kim Beazley for that matter.
Commisioner Cole : But they are elected repesentatives of the governing coalition of this country, don't they have the right to be informed so that they can represent their electors appropriately.
PM : With all due respect commisioner, look what happened when Barnaby Joyce was informed that Telstra coverage to the bush was... well non-existent, it took us months of, shall we say, "subtle diplomacy" to get him back on track.
Commisioner Cole : OK, so what about Alexander Downer, he's a Liberal Party MP, yet he too says he knew nothing of the kickbacks payed by the AWB?
PM : Yes, well, you see commisioner, he's a very busy man, I mean you've seen his song and dance routine, so naturally we get him to provide the entertainment for all the foreign dignitaries, and all the party functions. We've specially selected his staff from the best careoke bars in Canberra to support his act and they're so busy working on their routine that I'm surprised he's had the time to even appear in front of this inquiry, they've got some big gigs comming up, and Alex has just started pole dancing lessons.
Commissioner Cole : Cringing. I've heard enough for one day.

Scene 3 - Opposition cabinet meeting after the budget is announced

Julia Gillard (Judy Davis) : Kim, any ideas for a Budget Reply Speech, we've really got to say something, anything to make it look like we're a credible alternative.
Kim Beazley (John Goodman) : Well... ummm ... err... maybe .... something about middle Australia
Steven Smith (Keith Richards) and Wayne Swan (Mick Jagger) (The glimmer twins) : In unison. Yes Kim, Yes Kim, we can see it all now!
Kevin Rudd (Daniel Radcliffe) : Yes, now what we should be doing is to cast a spell to make everyone think the findings of the Cole commision are really important.
Kim Beazley : How can we bring it all back to the IR reforms?
Paul Keating (Raiph Fiennes) : Bursts in. You're all a bunch of stupid dills, for crying out loud, the tree hugging hippy bloody Greens have got a better Budget Reply than you lot of pathetic picininies, and they've been smoking happy weed since first light this morning. If you want to deal with those scum bags in the Government, then we have to get back to basics, tighten our belt and have the come back we have to have.
Kim Beazley : I'm going to bore you slowly Paul.
Paul Keating : I think Kim its time you joined the cast of the new Channel 10 reality show 'The Biggest Quitter'. Its stars so far include Mark Latham, John Hewson, Bob Carr, Robert Doyle and John Brogdon. You'd make a perfect addition and the public wouldn't even notice your gone.
Kim Beazley : I'm going to lead the party into the next election
Paul Keating : Even that f#*kwit Latham could do a better job than you.

Scene 4 - In a mine site somewhere in Tasmania

Mark Latham (Russel Crowe) : Mark attempts to lower his 'Ladder of Opportunity' to help trapped miners. I'm gonna try and ease the squeeze for you guys...
(Suddenly our hero realises that he has entered a uranium mine by mistake) Shit wrong bloddy mine.
Bob Hawke (Himself) : Enters stage left. No former Opposition Leaders shall live without enriched uranium by the year 2010.
Mark Latham : If you have your way, I'll be living with it for the next thousand years mate.

Scene 5: - Peter Costello in Pied Piper costume dancing down the street throwing cash at passers by.

Peter Costello : Forget the Cole Inquiry, forget the IR reforms, forget rising fuel costs and our troops in Iraq, forget the homeless, forget refugees,
forget the skills shortange and the brain drain, forget child care, forget public transport, I know this is what you really want.... Greed is good.